Monster’s vagina is not only exhausted from being designated as the basis for her candidacy; but Monster’s relentless prevaricating and mud-slinging have left it bruised and over-used. I was fortunate to be able to get an exclusive interview with Monster’s Vagina,which I present unedited here:
N4T: So, has it been rough on you, with Hillary’s base being you, in effect?
VAG: Rough isn’t even the word! I am sore and overworked, sure. I mean, you can’t run on a vagina for months without some serious wear and tear. I’m not wearing cross-trainers, in case you haven’t noticed! But most of all, I am embarrassed.
N4T: Embarrassed? How?
VAG: Well, the “experience” thing has gotten way out of hand. I mean, I’ve heard a lot of vaginas who have had proximity to, and sex with powerful people’s genitalia– but they didn’t translate that work experience as their own. They just acknowledged that they did it with someone recognizable. Sometimes that’s admirable, but it’s not something you typically put on your resume.
And, I mean, most people don’t like her. Why is she then, trying to win the biggest popularity contest ever? She makes no sense. Then when she finally started paying attention to me (I’ve been on lockdown for ages), it seems she was only using me. You know, to get votes from other people with vaginas. But a gangbang is a gangbang, no matter how you want to phrase it. I was not put on her to be exploited. It is not fun.
N4T: Well, how is all of this working out for you?
VAG: First of all, I cannot for the life of me, wonder why she chose me as her co-campaigner. I’m just not cut out for this shit (sorry, anus), and I resent being the focus of so much attention. Yet I am not getting the attention a vagina actually should and occasionally looks forward to; and I haven’t for years.
N4T: You mean, Bill hasn’t uh, engaged you lately?
VAG: Uh, duh. I haven’t been with that bastard since Monica Lewinsky! And you know that was just pity sex. Like I want that from his skank ass. First black president, my ovaries. He never did knock the walls down, if you get my drift. And look, I’m not opposed to a few harmless toys during sex; but a cigar? C’mon– that is some truly toxic interaction there. Monica’s vagina told me it burned like hell.
N4T: So you seem to be suffering from a combination of neglect and abuse.
VAG: And exploitation! Listen, when I go to my group therapy, which is composed primarily of poor and middle class vaginas; we all have stories to tell. I thought I was a middle class, upwardly mobile vagina. But what I’ve been able to ascertain instead, is that Monster has been pimping me beyond all recognition [sobs quietly].
N4T: [Passing her a Maxipad] I can’t believe you’re saying that! Are you telling me that Monster has run you down and pimped you out; all in exchange for votes?
VAG: That’s exactly what I’m saying. And she’s no better than any blinged, fur-hatted, woman-hating, boat-car driving, violent clown on the street. She expects me to turn a trick whenever the opportunity presents itself. If I hear,”Bitch, better have my votes!” one more time, I might cut her ass. Sorry, buttocks. That was a metaphor. I, like her, would probably go straight for the jugular.
N4T: Well, what would you consider worth all the pain she’s caused you?
VAG: If she paid much-needed attention to all of those poor and many uninsured working and middle class vaginas, who have no or extremely limited access to the AIDS drug protocol, let alone preventive care and counseling. They come in all colors, by the way. All that might be easier, if she didn’t legislatively fellate so many wingnuts on the other side of the aisle. Her so-called ‘experience’ shouldn’t be in anyone’s plus column. If she even released her tax returns! Really, I could go on forever. Every time she walks or crosses her legs, I just want to quit.
N4T: To your first point, do you say that, because she struggled to sabotage the Ryan White CARE Act, which acknowledges that AIDS is exploding outside the predominantly white gay communities; that this gave you pause? Because we have the data right here: black women are the fastest growing HIV population right now.
VAG: Yes. And I guess she was trying to solidify her white gay base, and I guess it worked. They believe she’s on their side! But I am so ragged right now, I can barely tell. My labia feel all parched and worn down and used.
N4T: As a vagina, do you only care about vaginas just like you?
VAG: Well, I used to, to be honest. But as more and more vaginas all over the world became more demanding of their human rights, and access to power; I guess it radicalized me.
N4T: Do you think that Monster will still do well by black people, and others who have supported her in the past, or will they and conversely you, vote for Barack Obama?
VAG: Listen. If I had a good waxing (ouch!), arms and hands, a face, and some valid ID; I’d vote for Barack Obama in a hot New York second. He’s such a relief from all of the filth and lies that pass for campaign strategies these days. I think inspiration is a very important element in leadership, don’t you? And he’s brilliant, he’s more experienced than her in electoral politics, and let’s be real: he is fine as hell. And you don’t get to be one of the 4th or 5th black senators in American history, by being a weakling.
N4T: That’s a pretty bold statement, coming from Hillary Clinton’s Monster vagina!
VAG: Well, not as “bold” as the lies she keeps alive. See, just like everyone else in the world, I didn’t select my demographic. But if you don’t care that women and children all over the world suffer greatly in the wars for oil, and that the poor should be helped instead of the rich; it’s a no-brainer. Which is good, since I’m a vagina and do not have one.
N4T: So, you believe that her votes for the war in Iraq, and her fights against AIDS treatment for the poor, and her campaign of lies and dirty tricks, make her a vile choice for the president of the United States. Am I correct in that assessment?
VAG: You are absolutely correct. I would like to add that when she endorsed McCain over Obama, it really made me seethe. It just seemed to me that I would be ridiculed all over the world, just by mere proximity. I know that’s selfish, but no one wants to be associated with that kind of clap trap
N4T: Do you consider yourself a feminist vagina?
VAG: Yes I do. But I am certainly not positioned between the legs of one. And I tell you, the view from here is heartbreaking. It’s not for nothing that she treats me like a banquet bought with food stamps.
N4T: Thanks so much for your time.
VAG: You’re welcome, Names4things. I have to get back now. Monster wants to piss— all over everyone, I might add.
This was brilliant! I loved it.
Thanks